innocent_fish's Xanga

i am freely loved.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:04:56 GMT

the phrase "freely loved" never really occurred to me until a few seconds ago.
i've heard a lot of giving freely, expressing freely, freedom of speech, and so on.
but it's all about output, but why does output have to be free? doesn't it naturally come out? is it because we are constrained by society? if you always have to do something in order to earn that freedom, is it really free? why do people always need others to do something or give them attention in order to feel loved?
why do u call it free anyway?

in my perspective, the REAL "free" stuff is when there's no fighting for freedom or giving free stuff, you basically just stand there and u get it.

you don't receive anything, you don't do anything, and you are loved. that's what free is...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:57:00 GMT

唔知長期被無止境嘅野轟炸會變成點咧?
近來太多長遠嘅野要諗喇...

好開心終於可以用mac打返廣東話拼音...真係要多謝CantonIM
雖然普通話的確係好，但係點都比唔過由細講到大嘅廣東話~

呀...舒服晒~~

Friday, October 23, 2009

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:14:38 GMT

even though i still don't speak enough korean but from what i can understand there's already two stores that i am a regular customer of that made a comment on me being pregnant...i wonder how many more if i was in a country that i understood the language of....thank God i'm not in hong kong...

they all said they thought i was a student...and they looked at me in a weird way coz i was pregnant...and then i immediately corrected them and said nono, i am a teacher...and then i point somewhere and say "husband"...just to make sure that they know i am working, i have a husband, and i am pregnant, not a student that got pregnant without getting married or something....sighhhh do i really look THAT young?
though i don't dress as old as i should be...oh well, anyway the two stores were the "kageh" (store) across from my apartment and the innisfree cosmetics store across from my school....i've been regular customers there the past year and a half...esp. now my consumption of milk is so high that i have go to the store once every 2-3 days....and with innisfree..i love it when "the man" is there...he recognizes me and today i bought an eyecream (since i used up the previous one) and he gave me a lot of masks and samples! i'm happy =)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:28:55 GMT

i am a sucker for routine, predictability, consistency, and preparation. though i can't say i do all that perfectly all the time, but they sure give me a sense of security when things happen the way they are supposed to, at the proper time, and with full preparation for it...so it kind of drives you crazy when something big is about to happen but you have no idea when, how, what, where, who, and the consequences...

such as...

when will i labour?
when will i deliver?
how will i deliver? c-section? natural? with epidural?
what will that feeling be?
where will i deliver...
who is that coming out of me?!?
what will happen after the baby is born...?

i just want to know when i will deliver and the whole process of it, but since i am striving for a natural birth i guess i just have let it "naturally happen"....argh...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:07:15 GMT

唔識0甘多野就唔好質疑0甘多野。
如果你的知識唔夠你連問問題的權利都無...

下雨

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:37:53 GMT

今晚落雨落到好似打風gum...
其實覺得有d安全，有d開心。
今天早上還覺得很累很沒有活力，但是每當打風的時候就會覺得很安全，好像在空氣裡有很多事情包圍著我。每滴雨點都可能是一個祕密或者過去的回憶，一次過落下來。留在屋子裡總是覺得很安全，特別是當我聽到打大風的呼呼聲和打雷。我記得每一次暑假回到香港的夏天的時候，總是有一兩天是打風大到不得了。家的窗口會不停的搖動，那些風好像要撞進來。就是從海面上形成的風一直吹到海邊的三十七樓高的窗口。其實過去那兩個暑假都沒有看到風球，真的有一點掛念。

不過為他人著想，真的要為一些露宿者祈禱，不知道他們在這個風大雨大的情況下是怎麼樣抵擋的。

那謀些藝術家會否有小許自私呢？
常常留在自己的空間裡面，只能用他的藝術品來告訴別人他的祕密。

這個世界變成甚麼了？
究竟甚麼是對，甚麼是應該，甚麼是值得？

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:37:10 GMT

i wish i could keep quiet all the time and learn all the things of this world.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:49:24 GMT

懷念...
塗指甲油
染頭髮
食魚生
穿高跟鞋
跑樓梯
亂睡姿勢

yoga

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 10:56:54 GMT

so i am going back to yoga now...
at first the doctor said to skip yoga for the first few months, but then continue in the 5th month..
when i came back it was like the 6th month? and then i started again...
the hospital said they had yoga too..but my fd said it was all booked...
so i stayed with my original yoga teacher...
at first i wondered if it might be too intense..but thankfully the yoga teacher had another helper there that could help me with doing "pregnant moves" so it's good....i realize a lot of my muscles are really tense...
and she keeps telling me to doing all these moves "maeilmaeil"...that means everyday...

1. the rocket boost thing...
2. stretch inner thigh muscle x 2
3. the four limbs in the air "blalalalallalaal' thing...
4. i forgot...

so hopefully doing it everyday will help make the labour easier...
i've heard from many mothers that learning how to breathe properly is really important in managing the pain...i hope i'll do a good job...everybody says it hurts...i just hope it won't be TOO unmanageable...

i've also been thinking a lot about when i should get off work...some people say a month, some say a week, some say a few days..and i don't know..i guess i'll find out when the time comes...i'm just really worried about finding a substitute teacher...and then grading..while i'll be in the hospital??
well i guess i cna't worry about too many things...and plus the Bible says each day has got worries of its own...but i need to plan ahead...hmmmm......

our new tv plus chinese drama is really making our home like a home...i like living with jon...he takes care of all the tech and av stuff and it all works...and high quality too..hahaha...and it's actually a good thing that he does things...like cook, wash dishes, throw out garbage, grocery shopping, wash clothes...hahahahaha...

i'm so mean...but it's ok...i'm pregnant.

another prayer item

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:01:58 GMT

so something came up with another pregnant lady at our school...
she is about two months later than me so i think around 5 months pregnant...
after the regular check up, the doctor told her to get a month of bed rest, like literally lying in bed and not allowed to do ANYTHING...coz the doctor said she has 90% of getting a miscarriage...also she has subclinical thyroid disease...i think is some kind of hormone imbalance that she needs to be treated for...but pray for her..

hm...seems like so many things are going on with pregnant women lately...i mean because of my situation i think i particularly identify with them...or it just hit me more...it would be really worrisome if it happened to me...

sigh...and today in particular i don't know why i feel so "blue"...i doubt the meaning of everything i do, and i feel like there are too many "unsuccessful" things with what i'm doing...but i mean, compared to what people write about...they are so small...but i don't know why i just doubt the meaning of it all...asking what's the point of doing all this..without a reason or meaning...and i lack the motivation or interest to communicate...i know it's probably just one of those days...but it just doesn't feel good...maybe i'm just made to be less well rounded and more specialized in something that will spark my passion..and that it just hasn't found me yet...rather than asking waht's the point of all this that i'm involved in, maybe i just need to put my focus on to one passion...sigh, i've lived too many years without passion.