| | So, I really suck at expressing myself. I wanted to write something to share with others (as I saw my friend wrote on facebook) and I ended up writing a page and a half worth of crap…so I am going to write a “summary” of it and hopefully it’ll be clearer and straight to the point. So here it goes…
The past year has been a lot of changes, and as the “end of the year” approaches, that school/work is approaching an end, and I will be back in Toronto in 3 weeks or so, I guess it is an appropriate time to look at my experience here the past year.
Adjusting to married life, in another city away from family and friends, and adjusting to a new job (that had nothing to do with what I studied), was quite overwhelming. It is not until nearing the end of the year that I can finally say “Yes, this is happening”, and “No, I am not overwhelmed”, though from time to time Jon and I would still be amazed for just a moment of what is happening.
I would be lying if I were to say I didn’t feel any pressure from others or eyes staring at us as being one of the first in the age group or group of friends to get married and for me to decide to make a change in life for a man. I had a lot of questions, doubts, disapprovals from people (random people, really), and at one point in time when I was still unsure, it did frustrate me. First of all, I didn’t know what I was getting into myself, and second of all, people were flying comments all over the place about things that I didn’t even know was happening. I guess it didn’t matter, as long as I kept my purpose and goal ahead of me and I was sure of what I was doing. But the truth was, I wasn’t even sure, I would avoid any questions that involved the topic of “So what made you decide this was the man? Are you sure this is who you will spend your life time with? How will you survive in Korea? Is it worth making the sacrifice?”
Ok, I was sure that I wasn’t sure, at least at that time, but I knew there was one thing I was sure, because it wasn’t something I needed to decide, or something I could even decide. It was God’s command to love. God tells us that we have to love, no matter if they done you wrong, if they are imperfect, if they are from another country, if they are little bratty kids, if they are people that criticize you because they know less than nothing, you are to love them. And loving doesn’t mean just being lovey dovey and all, but meaning that it will hurt, it will hurt if you love them and they don’t necessarily love you back, if you lose, when it’s difficult, when you need to forgive, when you need to hold your anger, when you need to be hopeful, when you need to trust regardless. So because of God’s one command to tell me to love, I had no choice but “decide” to go through this. Well, I had no choice right? Even now, I still don’t really know why God has put me in this place, in this situation. All I know is that I must continue doing my best to learn how to love.
Honestly, the experience has been quite bitter. It was something I had to deal with since the past. It was the loneliness that I was always bitter with. I blamed God, why I couldn’t be with my family while all the other kids could. Why can I be with them when they love me so much and when they are still alive, why do we just have to be apart? Can I not even show them that I love them by hugging them? And now, why once again, did you put us in a place away from family, friends, and the place we are accustomed to? There are so many things and new experiences that I want to share with others, but some things just don’t permit me to. I know there is Facebook and all but I just can’t put myself to expressing myself to the public in this way.
In a way, I see God telling me to grow, to be independent so when you meet these people again you don’t have any burdens to off load, but you are free to love. Sometimes circumstances do cause you to become stronger, and the stronger person will decide on circumstances that make them even stronger, and it goes in a loop. Right now I must continue persevering because there is always hope in the end. I know God is preparing us for a greater plan, so I ask God to give us the strength we need to overcome the difficulties, so we can become greater tools for your Kingdom.
(omg I ended up writing a page and a half again…)
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| | Posted 5/19/2009 7:19 AM - 10 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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